Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Everclear isn't food dammit
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
