So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
