i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
