so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
