The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
