I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
