I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
