Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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