OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
