if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
so much tequila, so little girl.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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