I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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