I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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