Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
