Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
