You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
