at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
