Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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