Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
