im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
