I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We are all done wearing pants today
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
