I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
