Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
