census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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