Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize