My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
a search helicopter?!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
