Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
