um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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