I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
