It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
