wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
