He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
