Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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