NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
