the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
