He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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