hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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