Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
