I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
