Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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