ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
