what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
