Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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