My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
