So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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