Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
