I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
