i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
