am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
