im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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