I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sorry about my life...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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