ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
